||[Jul. 7th, 2009|03:05 pm]
The years of 2005-2009 were interesting years to say the least....
2005 I experienced my first panic attack, first of many- while driving to school in Piscataway. I thought I was having a heart attack, the school called the paramedics, and they gave me oxygen just as I was passing out. My mom, embarrassingly enough had to come get me and take me to a doctor... my first Xanax prescription. Sigh. I'm surprised I made it through school because of that. I wound up being diagnsoed with panic disorder... an awful disorder, that makes you literally feel like you are dying (having a heart attack, stroke, brain injury, etc.). You are riddled with aches, and pains, and worries that shouldn't be, and riddled also with the fear of having your next panic attack. You get dizzy, light headed, nauseous, sick, and sometimes when it's really bad, you draw away from people entirely. I've been on 9-10 different depression, bipolar, and mood stabilizing medicines since then. Scarily enough, the only ones that worked somewhat, made me sleep so much - i was sleeping half my life away.
So, since 2005, I wound up graduating from Gibbs in '06 and getting my certificate in graphic design. I got out and worked at a video game company called Digital Embryo - working on games for Nintendo DS. I left. Then, went back to Quick Chek, where I worked over nights, and discovered energy drinks, quick chek subs for breakfast lunch & dinner, and every half on the hour cigarette breaks.
Somehow, I blew through more jobs. But before I left Quick Chek, I left Ed. His drinking got so bad and he just seemed to see me as the babysitter, and I felt invisible, tired, worn out, and "stuck." I moved out to my friend Chris' in the Highlands. We started going out. Smoked a joint everyday... got a job at ACME cutting meat in the deli... doing that high - amazed i still have all 10 fingers lol..... Panic attacks went away. Ed didn't. He stalked me through the phone, email, making trips down to the Highlands to leave notes on my car in the middle of the night.... he was flattened by what I did. But he needed to change. And he did, and Chris started ditching me, so I went back.... fell back in love with the man that would ultimately destroy me in 2009.
"Look out on down, the noise, the confusion is all around,
wrapping you in a blanket that suffocates you ever more,
maybe now you can see whats in-store, instore for you, may
it be good may it be bad, ever happy or ever mad."