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2006-2009 - A sad sad song [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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2006-2009 [Jul. 7th, 2009|03:38 pm]
[Current Location |work still]
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |silence and typing noises]

More on the "Lost" Years....

Now, I left off on the note of going back to Ed back in 2007 that was. Moved back into my first apartment with him, in Keansburg on Main Street, quit ACME, stayed jobless for 2 months, then became a camp counselor in Wickatunk, NJ.... for a camp for troubled kids... lord knows that Ed's kid will wind up there one of these days, from having a screwed up father like my ex. Well, good pay, etc... and oh crap.... I experience a random panic attack. The camp accuses me of being on drugs or booze.... which really upset me... i had an underlying condition... but no one listened... and everyone talked shit behind my back. I went back to work on Monday... with red hair.... all black clothes... and a "fuck off" attitude... just like in high school. The girls that worked at the camp were just like the ones i went to high school with - all complete bitches. Argh.

Camp ended... got a job at Target as a cashier... rode a bike 2 miles to work everyday. Met a guy named Brendan who worked there too. Became friends..... shit started to go down hill with Ed again, only 4 months after I first left him for Chris and the Highlands. Apparently, he didn't learn his ways, or his lesson. Honestly, I will tell you - I had a huge crush on Brendan.. he didn't drink - he was 100% Irish, was into watching hockey, loved kids, and treated me nice.... nicer than Ed treated me! We started hanging out - i told him about my situation. Innocent hanging out, turned into kissing in the park under the pouring rain. It was the best kiss I'd had in a while. When he said, "if you're so unhappy with your life, I dare you to kiss me," I said, "no... I dare YOU to kiss me." And he leaned in, and he did. He begged me to leave Ed, because I was so miserable. I said, "things will get better [with him]." I tried to push this out of my head, but seeing Brendan at  work, just made me want him more. I started having panic attacks again. Ed got drunk and would yell and scream, and I started freaking out at work. I almost passed out one day. Brendan of course came to my rescue, with a paper bag, a drink, and found ME A CIGARETTE, TO CALM MY NERVES. hE KNEW THAT THE PANIC ATTACKS WERE STEMMING FROM MY HOME LIFE. i WAS HAPPIER AT WORK THAN HOME. i WOULD HAVE PANIC ATTACKS THINKING ABOUT GOING HOME TO eD AT NIGHT. This is when between thinking to myself, and talking to Brendan, I decided to move back home with my parents. They were more than happy because they hated Ed. Although, I still dated Ed here and there while living at home. But, as I was dating Ed less and less, I fell into the arms of Brendan. He took me out on dates to the movies, for pizza, we talked, fooled around in my car after work. I was happy.

TO BE CONTINUED...............