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Strange Dreams [Sep. 8th, 2009|01:51 pm]
I've been having these crazy dreams lately. Most of them being hellish nightmares. I don't know why and I don't really like waking up at 2am in a cold sweat and freaking the hell out from them.

Last night, however, I had a VERY odd dream. My ex and I for some reason had to go to Lowes to get some hardware. In my dream I was still with Andrew. He was laying at home except not in the bed, on the floor with many pillows and blankets, and he was kissing me as I left with my mom to go to Lowes to meet Ed. Andrew got angry at me in the dream because I took so long.... I was only at Lowes for a little while and I tried explaining I had went out with my mom afterwards.... i forget hwere - that part of the dream was irrelevant and hazy. Anyway, My ex and I were driving in his explorer... and I looked at him as he said "I'm sorry, hunny." and I replied "don't call me hunny. I'm not your hunny anymore. You're the one that left ME. You told me you wanted to marry me.... even up til a week before you just stopped calling and didn't want to see me anymore." I started crying in the dream as I went on to tell him " You ruined my life, Ed. You ruined my life."
He said, "I wish we could still be together but I'm with her now, and you have Andrew." and i replied "Yes I do and I love him so much." Ed took his hand and rubbed the tears away on one side and help my chin (not like he ever did to me in real life), and said, " andrew's nice. and i wish i could take it back and i wish we could be together. We're better off though. We have completely different personalities and you hate me anyway. We weren't meant to be together. You know that. We were always different." and i agreed, " You're right, we were never meant to be together."

In that dream, basically it was closure. Because in real life i never got closure. he never told me why it ended, he never talked about it. he just stopped calling, stopped answering, started growing more and more distant. and broke my heart. Now i'm glad he did what he did. I have Andrew and I love him with all my heart.
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Walking time bombs [Jul. 8th, 2009|11:55 am]

Walking Timebombs

they think you'll blow it up
they say you're all fucked up
when they are really the ones
who are fucking themselves.

maybe it's just a pose
walking around, 500 dollar clothes
the government is a walking time bomb
you better leave before you become their victim

you're just a trial to the system
your life doesn't even matter to them
all they want is your money
and your number when you die
if they don't die first.

your thoughts are evil to their plans
you'll prove a point, not good for them
they've got a problem with a difference
acting like it's a mortal sin
all they want is uniformity and consistence
conformity and an easy ride
power and control
they won't let you go

you're just a trial to the system
your life doesn't even matter to them
all they want is your money
and your number when you die
if they don't die first.

the government fucked you up
to the point you've had enough
they watch you everyday,
making sure your ideas aren't in their way
they make ideas of their own
expecting you to take them home
when you really want their ideas to die
because all they do is lie
they steal lives away
each and everyday
fuck their shit
fuck their way.
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My thoughts as they spill out & hit the floor... [Jul. 8th, 2009|11:53 am]

So happy I'm smiling

split it wide open
till blood pours from its mouth
crushing its skull
thereafter comes a deafening sound.

the ground wreaks of death
the solemn vows of dying
Losing grip, losing breath...
So happy she's smiling.

Feels like she's lost everything she's known,
No purpose to finish this task
Everything she will now drown
This pain will no longer have to last.
In a puddle of her own crimson blood,
As the light of the moon strikes down upon it,
Now she holds the rock up and takes a fatal hit.

Blood dies her hair crimson, dark dark red,

While satan's birds fly overhead.
Blood flooding the top layer of earth
Sinking down into his lair
Her soul has been taken over now
Her timely sins, taken their final vow.
Now it's gone, that pain she could not bare.
Her arm lay limp slumped against elderly roots.

Wash away my blood(NEW!)

Wash away my blood
Stained from head to toe
Streams wash away with tears
Pain and sorrow.

Pain and sorrow
She pitties herself
For the flowing streams
Seems so hard to let go
To move on away from this flow
Trying to walk upstream
Towards a drier riverbed
One to lay down in
Relaxed, as if she were dead.

Wonderful vivid colors
Dashing through her head
At the speed of light
Upstream visions
Taking flight.

Darkness seen beyond the core
The cornea black as deep sea
Light disperses and moves away
And wonders where she is.
What surrounds is the vividness…
Of colors, dark rainbows
Raining sorrow downstream
Vivid illusions taking flight
Shining from amber beams.

I had everything (NEW!)

I had everything
The great illusion of mankind
Greatly mistaken
Easy to find…
Easy to break…
Feeling so empty its hard to fake
A fake smile
Fake light in her eyes
All she feels is alone
So filled up with hate and despise.

Misunderstanding of the life that is lived
Hurt and let go, broken she is
Broken and shattered
Please tie her a bow
Fix her and mend her
Show her you know
Show her you know what it is to be hurt
Show her you know what its like to be burnt
Give her a reason for life,
Or explain why she experiences this strife.
Give her a reason or give her need…
Make her want…
And when she wants to bleed,
Show her your cuts.
Show her you’ve walked her same path,
Show her these marks that show a same past.

A bottle and a razor

a bottle and a razor
would be my only hope
of a best friend today.
Helping me cope
Helping the bad feelings fade away.

creeping down my throat
as it burns so nice
hits my stomach
burns like ice.

its toxins so strong
burns my emotions
but not for long.
more is added
as it intoxicates my mind.
making me feel better...
making me feel of my own kind.

the sharp pain carved into my skin
where will it end...
how did this begin.
a sharp object laying by my bed
carving with a strength
led so far ahead.

blood trickles down my arm
i drink that too
Bloody mary's...
Bloody me...


what went so wrong
that i can not see
i hate the place
where i have to be

everythings spinning
running into walls
making me feel like a loser
like nothing at all

one was new
two was great
three got better everyway
four got weird
and five just sucked.
now it just feels so fucked.

this is my life
this is how i am
secluded with mistrust
and disgust....
still i put my life in your hands'

my wreckage washes up on your shores
as you pick up the broken pieces
and put them in your pocket...
looking at them oh so carefully
at every edge.... studying its shape
like the way you studied my face
im gone

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Poem Scraps [Jul. 8th, 2009|11:48 am]
Broken angel, shattered wings Songs of sorrow this angel sings A whisper in the wind A crying in the night, Feelings of emptiness That will never feel alright. From dusk to dawn This angel does mourn At the light of truth, This easily seen and easily worn Ripped wings cry for repair But that sweet gentle hand is never there.


Sit here on this grim day
Cigarette in hand
Nothing to say.
Wondering and trying to figure out
How this misunderstanding came about.
Sure we yelled, occaisonally shout,
But why can't I see you
It seemed we could start out new
Too bad that got misunderstood.
I need your hand
See your face from under this hood.
I never meant to alarm,
Never meant any harm.
To me you were the one.
Not manipulative, not naive,
I just wanted to talk,
Even if you didn't get me.
I cut myself until my arms bled raw
Something I'd never wish you to see
I guess it's good then
That you're being kept from me.
I'm going to get high tomorrow
And numb my awful pain.
Kill this misery
Slumped, stunned in sorrow.

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(no subject) [Jul. 8th, 2009|10:42 am]
Hold up... hold on... don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile... Shine on... Don't be scared
Your destiny may keep you warm.

Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you'll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up... Come on... why you scared
You'll never change what been and gone
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No morning people here [Jul. 8th, 2009|10:05 am]
[Current Location |woodbridge, nj (aka work)]
[mood |calmcalm]
[music |MSI]

I will tell you right now - I am NOT a morning person. I used to wake up, grab a coffee + energy drink + cigarette.... and it was around 12 in the afternoon. Now it's 7:45 am ...... just a coffee and out the door for work. Sometimes I walk over to Quick Chek for some coffee, and when I can afford it, an energy drink everyday.

I just moved out of my apartment in Keansburg... the one that I bought with all my own money.... the one with bad memories of Ed - the fighting the screaming the pushing the shoving the long drunken nights the same shit day in and day out.... the memories of having Eddie there... taking him to the beach.... waiting for Ed to come home from parties... but he never did until the next day - and still managed a second DUI.
Well, couldn't afford the place anymore... and who would want to when you're never there anyway. I was sleeping on a goddamn couch for christsakes. I liked my roomates though at the end... my ex's youngest brother, his gf and their newborn. And we all shared one thing - a pure hatred for his brother.... my ex... Ed. We are all on the grind everyday trying to make ends meet and to take care of the ones we love. Nowadays, I'm just taking care of me... just me. I had a family, and it went away. And I don't care about my ex, but I sure care about the little one.... who I miss. I have heard about how miserable he sounds... how he is second fiddle to a new gf in the picture of his father... it upsets me... no little kid deserves that... especially not a kid who felt like he was mine. Sure I didn't give birth to him, and met him 8 months after birth.... but I gave him what I could, looked out for him, and was there for him... I will always love him unconditionally like a real mother would... I just hope that he grows up with a good head on his shoulders, and his father doesn't drag him down an unescapable path of alcoholism, drugs, and general worthlessness.

As for where I am living now... I don't have my own place anymore.. but I do have a car and a job..... and a place to stay. I am living with my boyfriend who is quite possibly the best thing that's ever happened to me. We are so much on the same level, that everything we do just seems to be smooth, awesome and natural. He is such an interesting person, and he is very cuddly which is a total plus in my book. He lives at his parents right now, so I'm living in his room with him... but we would really like to get a house..... we can. But maybe it's smarter to get a room or an apartment somewhere first. Who knows... live each day one at a time I guess.

There's this show that I like now, it's called Californication... got David Duchovny in it... for those of you who don't recognize the name, which is highly doubtful, David Duchovny is from the X-Files... Moulder.... ahhhh now you remember, eh? :-) This show is hillarious. He is a depressed lost soul book author... with writer's block... true to the name, it's based in California. You have to check it out - I can't describe it. But it's great.

So far today, I've had no panic attacks - knock on wood - which is amazing. I think it was the whole apartment situation. Now that it's settled... I'm settled.... but I still need some xanax.
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2006-2009 [Jul. 7th, 2009|03:38 pm]
[Current Location |work still]
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |silence and typing noises]

More on the "Lost" Years....

Now, I left off on the note of going back to Ed back in 2007 that was. Moved back into my first apartment with him, in Keansburg on Main Street, quit ACME, stayed jobless for 2 months, then became a camp counselor in Wickatunk, NJ.... for a camp for troubled kids... lord knows that Ed's kid will wind up there one of these days, from having a screwed up father like my ex. Well, good pay, etc... and oh crap.... I experience a random panic attack. The camp accuses me of being on drugs or booze.... which really upset me... i had an underlying condition... but no one listened... and everyone talked shit behind my back. I went back to work on Monday... with red hair.... all black clothes... and a "fuck off" attitude... just like in high school. The girls that worked at the camp were just like the ones i went to high school with - all complete bitches. Argh.

Camp ended... got a job at Target as a cashier... rode a bike 2 miles to work everyday. Met a guy named Brendan who worked there too. Became friends..... shit started to go down hill with Ed again, only 4 months after I first left him for Chris and the Highlands. Apparently, he didn't learn his ways, or his lesson. Honestly, I will tell you - I had a huge crush on Brendan.. he didn't drink - he was 100% Irish, was into watching hockey, loved kids, and treated me nice.... nicer than Ed treated me! We started hanging out - i told him about my situation. Innocent hanging out, turned into kissing in the park under the pouring rain. It was the best kiss I'd had in a while. When he said, "if you're so unhappy with your life, I dare you to kiss me," I said, "no... I dare YOU to kiss me." And he leaned in, and he did. He begged me to leave Ed, because I was so miserable. I said, "things will get better [with him]." I tried to push this out of my head, but seeing Brendan at  work, just made me want him more. I started having panic attacks again. Ed got drunk and would yell and scream, and I started freaking out at work. I almost passed out one day. Brendan of course came to my rescue, with a paper bag, a drink, and found ME A CIGARETTE, TO CALM MY NERVES. hE KNEW THAT THE PANIC ATTACKS WERE STEMMING FROM MY HOME LIFE. i WAS HAPPIER AT WORK THAN HOME. i WOULD HAVE PANIC ATTACKS THINKING ABOUT GOING HOME TO eD AT NIGHT. This is when between thinking to myself, and talking to Brendan, I decided to move back home with my parents. They were more than happy because they hated Ed. Although, I still dated Ed here and there while living at home. But, as I was dating Ed less and less, I fell into the arms of Brendan. He took me out on dates to the movies, for pizza, we talked, fooled around in my car after work. I was happy.

TO BE CONTINUED...............

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2005-2009 [Jul. 7th, 2009|03:05 pm]
[Current Location |Work]
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |Silence]

The years of 2005-2009 were interesting years to say the least....

2005 I experienced my first panic attack, first of many- while driving to school in Piscataway. I thought I was having a heart attack, the school called the paramedics, and they gave me oxygen just as I was passing out. My mom, embarrassingly enough had to come get me and take me to a doctor... my first Xanax prescription. Sigh. I'm surprised I made it through school because of that. I wound up being diagnsoed with panic disorder... an awful disorder, that makes you literally feel like you are dying (having a heart attack, stroke, brain injury, etc.). You are riddled with aches, and pains, and worries that shouldn't be, and riddled also with the fear of having your next panic attack. You get dizzy, light headed, nauseous, sick, and sometimes when it's really bad, you draw away from people entirely. I've been on 9-10 different depression, bipolar, and mood stabilizing medicines since then. Scarily enough, the only ones that worked somewhat, made me sleep so much - i was sleeping half my life away.
So, since 2005, I wound up graduating from Gibbs in '06 and getting my certificate in graphic design. I got out and worked at a video game company called Digital Embryo - working on games for Nintendo DS. I left. Then, went back to Quick Chek, where I worked over nights, and discovered energy drinks, quick chek subs for breakfast lunch & dinner, and every half on the hour cigarette breaks.
Somehow, I blew through more jobs. But before I left Quick Chek, I left Ed. His drinking got so bad and he just seemed to see me as the babysitter, and I felt invisible, tired, worn out, and "stuck." I moved out to my friend Chris' in the Highlands. We started going out. Smoked a joint everyday... got a job at ACME cutting meat in the deli... doing that high - amazed i still have all 10 fingers lol..... Panic attacks went away. Ed didn't. He stalked me through the phone, email, making trips down to the Highlands to leave notes on my car in the middle of the night.... he was flattened by what I did. But he needed to change. And he did, and Chris started ditching me, so I went back.... fell back in love with the man that would ultimately destroy me in 2009.

"Look out on down, the noise, the confusion is all around,

wrapping you in a blanket that suffocates you ever more,

maybe now you can see whats in-store, instore for you, may

it be good may it be bad, ever happy or ever mad."
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Lazy today [May. 10th, 2005|11:18 am]
[mood |crappycrappy]
[music |Static-X - "Love Dump"]

Too lazy to type today, so go into myspace.com..... my one is http://www.myspace.com/13896449 and yeah go into my blogs (top right)... see what happened not this past saturday, but the one before that. can we say really bad catfight?! lol. all i can say is i was almost insulted. the bitch threw ONe punch, one... slapping? wtf. lol. i wasnt slappin lol.

LIFE IS HARD RIGHT NOW. car fucked up.... totally broke (not the car, my wallet lol).... chainsmoking again lol (soooo bad ah), and im feeling kind of crappy lately... a virus or who knows what, its been a week.

Leave me a note, i need one. blah. Laters

And finally.. the picture ive promised some people... pictures i mean lol....
THE happy family..... happy dysfunctional as someone once said. We ROCK though!@ HELLS YEAH!!!!

Ok, pictures are fuckin up so yeah.... um ok... another entry later..
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Fuckin Insannne FUCKIN INSAANNNEEE [Apr. 20th, 2005|07:27 pm]
[mood |hungryhungry]
[music |In Flames]

Yehha... bored at school again. Wonderful wonderful. So yeah Kim came over last night at like 6 I think... haha I forget most of the details... except that I made scrambled eggs for all of us, andddd ate icecream out of the freezer.... yeah you know why... I finally got high. Weehee. Great news. I missed it so. Oh yeah on the same subject... HAPPY NAT SMOKEOUT DAY!FUCKKEEE YEAH. So uh not much more to write. Errr hungry. hungry hungry.... Im at school with no money and i need food... :-(
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